Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Sometimes I wonder what good I have done in this world...or even if I've done any good at all. Obviously I know better by now than to think I can change the world by myself. But...sometimes I feel I can't even change the world of my immediate surroundings. And sometimes I feel like I haven't been good for any positive change. Like I'm just...ineffectual, even maleficent sometimes.
I know it's not good to want a reward for being good. And I'm not asking for any. It's just...I want to see if I have done any good! All this time people have told me about bad or incompetent things I have done. And I certainly haven't seen the results of anything I've done that may be considered "good." Am I simply incapable of doing any significant good?
Being good is its own reward, I think. But...when I don't see if I'm doing any good...it's like in my mind I am doing no good at all. It's like I need affirmation that I'm doing good to keep doing good. Otherwise it seems like, why bother?
I want to consider myself a good person. How am I supposed to do that when others don't think I'm a good person? I know I can't please everybody in terms of being good. But...why does it feel like I'm pleasing no one?
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Things have been an emotional roller coaster for me, full of giddy highs and abysmal lows. Thankfully there are more highs than lows going for me at this point, but the lows are still significant, and sometimes debilitating. The reason I titled this blog post the way I did is because it seems like my usual meditation routine has been...affected by these highs and lows. By that I mean my meditation seems to amplify whatever I'm feeling at the time, when I get around to practicing it. For instance, I did mantra chanting to Shri Ganesha yesterday, and I was depressed already. I got even more depressed! Yet earlier this evening when I tried the mantra chanting again, although I wasn't exactly happy (I was still somewhat depressed but less so) I got the happiness boost I was looking for.
Maybe this is because I haven't been able to be regular with meditation lately, and that the effects might be more consistent if I did it more often. I'm not sure. A wise person once told me that without suffering, I wouldn't know what joy felt like. I know that's true, and I appreciate that fact.
However, I just wish I had more control over when I feel suffering or joy. I know it's impossible to feel joy all the time, but can't I have a little more control over when I suffer?
At any rate, I'll try to post to this blog more regularly. Jai Shri Ganesha!
Monday, November 24, 2014
I just wish that news came under better circumstances. In case you don't know or haven't been paying attention, race relations in the US took a bit of a nosedive following the grand jury decision in Ferguson, Missouri not to indict the white officer that fatally shot Michael Brown. The link I just posted here goes to a white anti-racist activist website run by Tim Wise, who offers his own commentary on what happened.
This raises a lot of questions in my mind. Most of the questions revolve around what I can do to fix this, and, well, I don't have any answers to that. There's too many questions swirling around in my mind at present for me to effectively make sense of anything regarding these events.
However, I do know one thing - one thing not to do in light of what's happened. And that is to blame myself and smother my mind in guilt. I know as a white person I'm a benefactor of a system that oppresses other people, whether I like it or not. Therefore it's my responsibility to do something about that. But one thing I've discovered is that miring myself in blame, guilt, and other negative emotions doesn't change a thing.
That brings me to the crux of what I'm trying to say here - what one personally feels is important, but it's not as important as what one does. To use an old cliche, actions speak louder than words. Actions are also good for one's mental health in times like these. No one person can change the world. But doing something, anything to try to counter these systems of oppression can at the very least purify your soul.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Please watch, if you so desire:
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Namaste readers! This blog post will be sort of short, as it's mainly a question I wish to ask the audience.
A friend of mine recently recommended that to improve my current economic situation, I should worship and pray to Goddess Lakshmi. But my question is, what is the best way to do it? I know Goddess Lakshmi to be the Goddess of wealth and prosperity, among other things, from my preliminary internet research. However, I would like to know ways to worship Her...preferably ways that are within my meager means.
If anyone can help me in my quest to reach Mata Lakshmi, I will be in your debt. :-)
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Last night, I attempted to take the bus to the Hindu Temple of Rochester, to attend Sankat Hara Chaturthi, a puja performed in honor of Shri Ganesha. The bus system here in Rochester is a bit of a mixed bag...it's cheap, on one hand, a plus for me since I can't afford a car, but you get what you pay for, in the form of confusing routes that don't really get you where you need to go sometimes.
This was hardly the first time I took the bus in Rochester - I live here, after all - but what ended up happening is I wound up on the completely wrong bus! In a semi-panic, I had to get off three, maybe four miles from my destination. I then had to walk the rest of the way.
It seemed like a Herculean (maybe Krishna-sized) task walking all those miles in a single hour, and my right foot protested incessantly in pain as a result. But I still made it there. And on time! I was certainly a sweaty mess when I got there, but I was still accepted at the temple to partake in the puja.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
I guess the origin of this revelation is the dark period I'm going through right now - perhaps my mind suddenly wanting to seek out Shri Ganesha even more now is probably a sign that my soul has had enough. I know what some people will say - that I should focus on more real matters, and not worry so much about Shri Ganesha.
To that I say: would it be too much to do both? Working towards bettering my situation is definitely my primary goal, but can't I have two primary goals, the other being to engross and envelop myself in Shri Ganesha's love?
After all, it's not like I have anything better to do. :)