Am I Good?

Namaste readers...this next post might sound slightly narcissistic, but...I think it's for a good reason. Or at least a reason that makes sense to me.

Sometimes I wonder what good I have done in this world...or even if I've done any good at all. Obviously I know better by now than to think I can change the world by myself. But...sometimes I feel I can't even change the world of my immediate surroundings. And sometimes I feel like I haven't been good for any positive change. Like I'm just...ineffectual, even maleficent sometimes.

I know it's not good to want a reward for being good. And I'm not asking for any. It's just...I want to see if I have done any good! All this time people have told me about bad or incompetent things I have done. And I certainly haven't seen the results of anything I've done that may be considered "good." Am I simply incapable of doing any significant good?

Being good is its own reward, I think. But...when I don't see if I'm doing any good...it's like in my mind I am doing no good at all. It's like I need affirmation that I'm doing good to keep doing good. Otherwise it seems like, why bother?

I want to consider myself a good person. How am I supposed to do that when others don't think I'm a good person? I know I can't please everybody in terms of being good. But...why does it feel like I'm pleasing no one?

Fair Weather Meditator

Namaste readers! *coughs a bit* Wow, it's dusty in here...I know, it's because I haven't updated for a long time. Let me fix that...

Things have been an emotional roller coaster for me, full of giddy highs and abysmal lows. Thankfully there are more highs than lows going for me at this point, but the lows are still significant, and sometimes debilitating. The reason I titled this blog post the way I did is because it seems like my usual meditation routine has been...affected by these highs and lows. By that I mean my meditation seems to amplify whatever I'm feeling at the time, when I get around to practicing it. For instance, I did mantra chanting to Shri Ganesha yesterday, and I was depressed already. I got even more depressed! Yet earlier this evening when I tried the mantra chanting again, although I wasn't exactly happy (I was still somewhat depressed but less so) I got the happiness boost I was looking for.

Maybe this is because I haven't been able to be regular with meditation lately, and that the effects might be more consistent if I did it more often. I'm not sure. A wise person once told me that without suffering, I wouldn't know what joy felt like. I know that's true, and I appreciate that fact.

However, I just wish I had more control over when I feel suffering or joy. I know it's impossible to feel joy all the time, but can't I have a little more control over when I suffer?

At any rate, I'll try to post to this blog more regularly. Jai Shri Ganesha!