Fighting My Own Brain

Namaste readers...

Yet another long gap in my posting to this blog. I really don't have any excuses at this point... Some good things have happened. Some bad things too. But there seems to be one truth about myself that I have yet to come to terms with.

That truth is not straightforward, and definitely not simple. But it's a truth that's become apparent to me these past few weeks. It may not seem true to others, but it's true to me.

My brain is trying to kill me.

Why would I say something like this on the internet, where my words are free and open for anyone to twist around and use against me?

Because I want to prove a point.

The point I want to prove is one that took me a long time to figure out, and I want others to benefit from my experience. This point is that one should not hate oneself under any circumstances. You can be your own worst critic, and yes, criticizing and questioning oneself is a good thing.

But you can't let that turn into self-torture. As for what that has to do with my brain trying to kill me...I've come to terms with that fact, that my brain isn't necessarily faulty, but it's separate from my soul. That is a very Hindu teaching, that the mind and soul are separate entities. The mind is part of the body, and one should take care of body and mind. But the soul is something completely different, and it is the most beautiful part of ourselves.

I know I'm sounding like a cliche New Age hippie here, but these facts I listed above are what kept me alive as I studied Hinduism and yoga these past few years. And they've helped me accept myself...including the part of my brain that wants me to die.

In order to prevent that part of my brain from killing me, I had to accept that it was there. I couldn't simply push it out, because it would bounce back stronger than before. I had to acknowledge it, and then ignore it.

Yes, I have had help from psychiatric medicines (I take a list of them that's a mile long) in doing this...and that has been part of the acceptance (and subsequent ignoring) of this evil part of my brain. Sometimes psychiatric medication does help. That doesn't mean it will help everybody (and that's why I object to the marketing of anti-depressants, and not anti-depressants themselves - ads for those make it seem like everyone would benefit from them, when that is simply not the case), but it's good that it's there for the people that do need it. Like me.

I know I'm rambling at this point, but I wanted to share what I've learned so that others can benefit. I'll stop this post with one simple statement:

There's hope for all of us.

Am I Good?

Namaste readers...this next post might sound slightly narcissistic, but...I think it's for a good reason. Or at least a reason that makes sense to me.

Sometimes I wonder what good I have done in this world...or even if I've done any good at all. Obviously I know better by now than to think I can change the world by myself. But...sometimes I feel I can't even change the world of my immediate surroundings. And sometimes I feel like I haven't been good for any positive change. Like I'm just...ineffectual, even maleficent sometimes.

I know it's not good to want a reward for being good. And I'm not asking for any. It's just...I want to see if I have done any good! All this time people have told me about bad or incompetent things I have done. And I certainly haven't seen the results of anything I've done that may be considered "good." Am I simply incapable of doing any significant good?

Being good is its own reward, I think. But...when I don't see if I'm doing any good...it's like in my mind I am doing no good at all. It's like I need affirmation that I'm doing good to keep doing good. Otherwise it seems like, why bother?

I want to consider myself a good person. How am I supposed to do that when others don't think I'm a good person? I know I can't please everybody in terms of being good. But...why does it feel like I'm pleasing no one?

Fair Weather Meditator

Namaste readers! *coughs a bit* Wow, it's dusty in here...I know, it's because I haven't updated for a long time. Let me fix that...

Things have been an emotional roller coaster for me, full of giddy highs and abysmal lows. Thankfully there are more highs than lows going for me at this point, but the lows are still significant, and sometimes debilitating. The reason I titled this blog post the way I did is because it seems like my usual meditation routine has been...affected by these highs and lows. By that I mean my meditation seems to amplify whatever I'm feeling at the time, when I get around to practicing it. For instance, I did mantra chanting to Shri Ganesha yesterday, and I was depressed already. I got even more depressed! Yet earlier this evening when I tried the mantra chanting again, although I wasn't exactly happy (I was still somewhat depressed but less so) I got the happiness boost I was looking for.

Maybe this is because I haven't been able to be regular with meditation lately, and that the effects might be more consistent if I did it more often. I'm not sure. A wise person once told me that without suffering, I wouldn't know what joy felt like. I know that's true, and I appreciate that fact.

However, I just wish I had more control over when I feel suffering or joy. I know it's impossible to feel joy all the time, but can't I have a little more control over when I suffer?

At any rate, I'll try to post to this blog more regularly. Jai Shri Ganesha!

Too Many Questions

Namaste Light Club readers. Sorry for the absence. A lot has happened in my life recently, some good, some bad. What is good is that I have a new job that I will be starting soon - I don't want to divulge any details of it, but suffice it to say it's a job I think I will genuinely enjoy. :)

I just wish that news came under better circumstances. In case you don't know or haven't been paying attention, race relations in the US took a bit of a nosedive following the grand jury decision in Ferguson, Missouri not to indict the white officer that fatally shot Michael Brown. The link I just posted here goes to a white anti-racist activist website run by Tim Wise, who offers his own commentary on what happened.

This raises a lot of questions in my mind. Most of the questions revolve around what I can do to fix this, and, well, I don't have any answers to that. There's too many questions swirling around in my mind at present for me to effectively make sense of anything regarding these events.

However, I do know one thing - one thing not to do in light of what's happened. And that is to blame myself and smother my mind in guilt. I know as a white person I'm a benefactor of a system that oppresses other people, whether I like it or not. Therefore it's my responsibility to do something about that. But one thing I've discovered is that miring myself in blame, guilt, and other negative emotions doesn't change a thing.

That brings me to the crux of what I'm trying to say here - what one personally feels is important, but it's not as important as what one does. To use an old cliche, actions speak louder than words. Actions are also good for one's mental health in times like these. No one person can change the world. But doing something, anything to try to counter these systems of oppression can at the very least purify your soul.

Mata Lakshmi

Namaste readers! This blog post will be sort of short, as it's mainly a question I wish to ask the audience.

A friend of mine recently recommended that to improve my current economic situation, I should worship and pray to Goddess Lakshmi. But my question is, what is the best way to do it? I know Goddess Lakshmi to be the Goddess of wealth and prosperity, among other things, from my preliminary internet research. However, I would like to know ways to worship Her...preferably ways that are within my meager means.

If anyone can help me in my quest to reach Mata Lakshmi, I will be in your debt. :-)

Unintentional Yatra

Namaste readers! As cliche as this opening line may be, a funny thing happened on the way to the Hindu Temple of Rochester last night...

Last night, I attempted to take the bus to the Hindu Temple of Rochester, to attend Sankat Hara Chaturthi, a puja performed in honor of Shri Ganesha. The bus system here in Rochester is a bit of a mixed bag...it's cheap, on one hand, a plus for me since I can't afford a car, but you get what you pay for, in the form of confusing routes that don't really get you where you need to go sometimes.

This was hardly the first time I took the bus in Rochester - I live here, after all - but what ended up happening is I wound up on the completely wrong bus! In a semi-panic, I had to get off three, maybe four miles from my destination. I then had to walk the rest of the way.

It seemed like a Herculean (maybe Krishna-sized) task walking all those miles in a single hour, and my right foot protested incessantly in pain as a result. But I still made it there. And on time! I was certainly a sweaty mess when I got there, but I was still accepted at the temple to partake in the puja.

I brought this up on Facebook and a Hindu discussion forum, trying to make sense of what had happened. One forum goer had an interesting idea: apparently in India, there are special walking pilgrimages one can undertake called yatra. Oftentimes these yatra are pretty lengthy, and since it's a pilgrimage the ultimate destination is a Hindu religious place.

This forum goer suggested that maybe Shri Ganesha wanted me to undertake a yatra. I don't know if walking through an American suburb would count as a yatra, but regardless of where I walked through, the end result was the opportunity to worship Ganesha...so maybe it's not that far off the mark.

At any rate, I certainly feel I've accomplished something.

Shri Ganapati, Show Me the Way

Namaste readers! I've had a...revelation of sorts. No, it didn't take the form of a special vision or literal miracle or anything like that, but rather it was a thought that stuck with me. That thought: I should place even more trust in my Ishta Devata, Shri Ganesha (also known as Ganapati) than I do now, and to that end, I should show more devotion towards him, as I feel a swelling of devotion towards him in my heart right now.

I guess the origin of this revelation is the dark period I'm going through right now - perhaps my mind suddenly wanting to seek out Shri Ganesha even more now is probably a sign that my soul has had enough. I know what some people will say - that I should focus on more real matters, and not worry so much about Shri Ganesha.

To that I say: would it be too much to do both? Working towards bettering my situation is definitely my primary goal, but can't I have two primary goals, the other being to engross and envelop myself in Shri Ganesha's love?

After all, it's not like I have anything better to do. :)