Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wanting More

I feel like I'm finally starting to respect myself. I have flaws, this
we all know, but I have good qualities I want to nourish. The point of
that statement is that maybe since I have more self-respect, I can
finally work on effectively helping others...but I don't know what
would be the best way... Oftentimes in my day-to-day interactions my
social anxiety gets in the way. That's the main reason why I've failed
in those jobs I've taken that required mostly customer service. Still,
I know there
has to be a better way for me to help my fellow human being...I know
I've helped promote the Art of Living organization through that one
piece I did for Elephant Journal. So perhaps writing is that answer,
but I've sort of run dry in that area...

I also seem to want more in a spiritual aspect, as in wanting to
advance further. I'm not sure what that entails, or even what that

The bottom line is that I feel a different sort of emptiness than I
have before. This is a more positive emptiness, but it's still a
ravenous spiritual hunger, for lack of a better term. I want more love
from Ganesha! I want more love from God! But what would that be, even?
What would constitute that need I just expressed?

Hah, I was just talking about helping others and already I said I want
more for myself. It's another sort of confusion I face...the struggle
in myself between selfishness and selflessness. I don't know what I
want more of, precisely. But at least I know what I want isn't so
material anymore. And I also figured out that helping others can help
me get what I want as well. I guess that's progress.

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