I have reasons to be happy. My fundamental job duties have changed into something I'm more suited for and enjoy doing. I'm able to get more writing opportunities now than I have before. My energy level seems to be improving somewhat due to a new medicine I'm taking. There are other things that aren't so happy in my life, and some things that are downright sad, but objectively, my life seems to have taken a turn for the better.
And yet I'm feeling depressed. Deeply, darkly depressed, almost at a crippling level.
As for reasons, I can't seem to pick out why. There are a few theories I have...the first being that I can't seem to take care of myself, even after things get better. Money still burns a hole in my pocket. Nutrition still seems to be an alien concept to me. So is cleanliness. But then again, these things could be a result of me being depressed...it's a chicken-and-egg question at best.
One other theory I have is maybe on some fundamental level, I don't feel like I deserve anything good happening to me. That if my life goes well, someone else's life has to suffer. I don't want that to happen, but it seems to be the law of karma. If I don't want anyone else to suffer...does that mean I have to suffer most of all?
Or maybe it's just that my values and my mindset don't deserve to exist. One of many examples of this is my apparent hypocrisies towards life. I hate conflict and violence, yet others insist my playing violent video games means I support violence and conflict. I hate consumerism but still spend like there's no tomorrow. I hate social injustice but lack the will and bravery to do anything about it.
On some fundamental level, I hate myself...and the more things get better, the more it seems apparent that I should hate myself. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Is being happy too much to ask of myself? Apparently yes.
An insidious quality of depression is that a lot of the time, there is no one "reason" to feel depressed. Bio-Chemical science aside, depression is still a complex experience, influenced by a mind-boggling array of factors. I often find that I experience depression soon after a recent achievement. Why would this be so? One answer is that a small amount of progress brings to light all of the progress yet to be made. So perhaps what you are feeling is the sudden realization that although you are improving in certain areas of your life, it is harder to ignore those areas in which you still find yourself lacking. It's important to know that it's like a wave. It will soon wash over you. If, for whatever reason it doesn't, there of medical professionals that can help you.
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