To Whom am I a Disciple?

Namaste readers!

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of formal conversion lately. I know many say formal conversion is not necessary to become a Hindu, while others say it's extremely necessary.

These thoughts have entered my mind recently because I was thinking a formal conversion might be to my benefit - if anyone questions my sincerity, I can look to my conversion and say, "it doesn't get more sincere than that!" I just don't know which groups are willing to accept me beyond the Art of Living.

This conundrum reminds me of the Hindu saying "it is not the disciple who chooses the guru, it is the guru who chooses the disciple." But it's not like a guru will suddenly appear out of the blue and say I am his disciple. Still, how do I search for a guru if I can't make the decision myself?

I need some advice on the situation - should I formally convert, and to which Hindu group? It's a rather personal question, I know, but I honestly don't know what to think.

The Language of God(s)

Namaste, readers.

I honestly don't know what Sri Ganesha and the other Gods are trying to tell me. The bottom has sunken further beneath me, as I've been cut from full-time to part-time at work, greatly reducing my income and my ability to be independent.

That's pretty much the biggest problem I'm facing right now, and it's pretty significant, but it's been making me wonder why things have happened the way they have been to me. I have several theories, but I have no way of telling which one is correct.

Perhaps Sri Ganesha wanted to teach me what real problems were like, as opposed to my quibbling over my inborn human identities. I'm not sure how valid this theory is - why try to teach me about suffering by compounding it? Wouldn't that obscure the message?

However, a friend of mine did say that perhaps this is a sign that maybe I should start fighting back...since I only have part-time hours now, I have more time to find a better job I actually like to do more. Combined with the prior theory, it actually makes sense. Perhaps Sri Ganesha is compounding the suffering to teach me that I should do something about it!

I'm just not sure how best to go about it. I've made several job applications; some have been turned down already, but many I simply haven't heard back. I have hope and faith that something good will happen, but the rational side of my mind says not to count on it. I'm like Fox Mulder from the X-Files...I want to believe.

I do believe in Sri Ganesha, Sri Krishna, Maa Saraswati, and the others...I just don't know what they're trying to tell me, what they have in store for me, or whatever. Deciphering the language of God(s) is always tricky. But if any of you readers have input, I'd love to hear it.

Further Down the Spiral

My progression towards the emotional abyss continues...

First the deterioration of diplomatic relations between the US and Indian governments...and now an American professor's book, Wendy Doniger's "The Hindus: An Alternative History" (which I will not link to here for reasons I shall explain) is being recalled and pulped in India, as it was considered a direct attack on Hindu religion.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with me, why I'm so emotionally distraught over this. I haven't even read the book, so I can't render a direct opinion on it...even so, it's India's right to react how it wants to such texts, so I have no objections to their actions.

But what it has to do with me is that it's further evidence that who I was born as - a white male American citizen, the same people who apparently harbor such hatred of India and Hinduism and inflict damage on it whenever they can - that my identities are a punishment from God!

I want to love India and Hinduism, and its associated culture. I do dearly now and nothing will change that. But as my fellow countrymen prove time and time again, people like me do not deserve to be loved back.

I wish I could fight back against them. Not with violence, mind you, but I wish I could change their thinking, change their perceptions, change their attitude somehow. But I'm an impotent coward who melts when talking to such people. I completely break down in their presence and don't know what to do. And for that reason, I am a failure.

Because of my failure, I will forever be condemned to being the identities I was born as. A punishment that grows in its torture by the day! I honestly wonder what kind of past life I might have led to deserve this torture. Was I someone like Hitler? Or Custer?

I've been judged and I deserve to be judged. I don't know what I can do to redeem myself.

Why am I the way I am, God? Why am I so impotent? Why am I being punished like this? Why...