For some reason I can't seem to figure out how to tread the middle path when it comes to self-esteem. I don't want to have the lows of self-esteem in the past, as during those times it took all my energy just to get up in the morning. At the same time, if I have too much self-esteem I turn into a jerk, or so I believe at any rate...there have been times I have been mean or a jerk, which I understand everyone is at some point in their lives, although as far as I can remember I've never been one intentionally. Still, I can't help but think that those times were the result of my having too much self-esteem.
Maybe that's not the case, but I still have a tendency to split this issue in two. However, as I've mentioned before, either side seems fraught with the delusion of independent existence, that is, believing myself to be that "beautiful and unique snowflake" I've mentioned in one of my early blog posts - whether I believe myself to be ultimate good or ultimate evil it ends up fueling the same type of delusion.
Finding just the right amount of self-confidence seems to be the key. But I can't seem to figure it out...I usually identify myself as a soft-hearted person, so I guess one reason is I'm afraid I'll turn into something I'm not? I don't know. I don't want to become so hardened to the world that I lose my soul. Yet at the same time I can't stay so soft-hearted that everything brings me down.
Why am I so blind to the Middle Path? I keep seeking it yet all I find is a vacillation between one extreme or the other. I need guidance...