Recently I've been questioning if my life is of any value to the universe.
Let me get it out of the way right now that I am NOT suicidal. At least not at this moment. I know life is a gift, and I don't intend to send it back. But I've realized something about myself that I find so disturbing that I honestly question whether or not my existence is worthwhile.
That fact is that my soul, my spirit, is so fragile, so delicate, so spineless that when it comes to facing the truths of my life I fall apart and shatter like glass. Yeah, I know the truths I am about to mention are hard for everyone...but for me they're so hard I have no defense.
What I eat encourages cruelty, towards both animals and people. What I use in my life, that requires consumption of electricity, negatively impacts the environment and the air we breathe. What taxes I pay encourage war, death and destruction, and the erosion of liberty. These are truths that I know would be hard for anyone in my situation to take.
But even their mere hinting causes me to fall apart. I cry profusely. I become lethargic, unable to do anything but sob. I emotionally disintegrate. And when I fall apart, no one wants to be around me or help me. I don't blame them, since I become a beacon of negativity.
The problem is, even though I do meditation and Sudarshan Kriya, they seem to have only treated the symptoms. They only offer a temporary boost in happiness. I know the disease lies in my inability to stand up and do the right thing. Make the right choices. Forgo and turn away from those things I enjoy that hurt the planet. It seems like doing the right thing would mean taking all the joy out of my life.
However, I know - and fear - that the day will come when I will have to choose between my pleasures, and my moral standing as a human being. Or maybe even between these pleasures and my life, with the environmental damage finally starting to catch up to all of us humans.
When - not if, but when - that day comes...I don't know if I'll survive.
I'm too fragile...