Hopeless?

Namaste readers...

I know I said when I started this blog that I was under the impression that I didn't need anyone to approve of me. That I didn't need anyone to say I'm a good person or whatnot, because I was capable of doing such affirmations on my own. And therefore I didn't need anyone's approval to go on living.

Yet here I am, two and a half years after I wrote those initial blog posts, and I need affirmations now more than ever.

Maybe it's just the time of year - the holidays are very stressful for everyone involved. But somehow I seem to be mired deeper in my own tears than ever before. Perhaps I should just be patient and wait for this period to pass...shadows eventually give way to light, after all. Still, I know they'll creep up on me again just as quickly. And when they come again, I'll be just as debilitated as ever.

It's become more appallingly apparent than ever that I need help - that I need someone to save me from myself. I don't want to die...but I don't want to live like this either.

I'm in no imminent danger, but I need a light in this darkness. Someone needs to show me the way out. Guruji (H. H. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar)...Lord Ganesha...Maa Saraswati...anyone...I need a miracle now more than ever.

Strange Inspiration

Namaste, readers! As the title of this blog entry states, I've recently been inspired to look into trying something which might be strange for others to hear. Before your minds wander too far, I will tell you what I've been looking into - I want to try to learn how to play a South Indian classical instrument, the Saraswati veena.

As for why? Well, there are several reasons, but foremost among them, is that I keep hearing and reading about how artists and musicians feel like they attain closeness to God(s) via their art or music practice. I hope to deepen my Hindu spiritual practice by learning an instrument such as the Saraswati veena. I know some might say this may seem like a passing fancy, that I might lose interest early on, but somehow I don't think this will be the case. I say that now because...well, I need some way of delving deeper spiritually through art. I love writing, but for some reason, writing alone doesn't fulfill my spiritual needs. It's like I need a companion art to really express my soul.

I know I will need a teacher to guide me, and I've already started looking on that front. In fact, I've already made contact with a teacher. However, the next step is a bit harder than one might expect - acquiring a Saraswati veena seems prohibitively expensive for someone like me right now.

Perhaps the potential expense of a Saraswati veena might be a sign that I'm not to pursue this instrument yet, but as the old saying goes, where there is a will, there's a way - I already have some friends of mine searching for one that might be more within my reach. Also, if any of you readers have any tips on this, I would love to hear them. ;)

Here's hoping Sri Saraswati blesses me on my quest...

A Somewhat Pleasant What If Scenario (Maybe)

Namaste readers! If any of my readers from India are interested in answering this question, I'd like to ask it as a sort of thought experiment.

You probably know by now of my desire to be Hindu, to follow the Hindu faith and culture. That's why I made this blog, after all. However, I know that because I was raised in mainstream white American society, it would be near impossible for me to follow the Hindu faith to the letter, and/or emulate Hindu culture perfectly (not that I need to, I think).But...if I was indeed born in Indian society...raised Hindu...had that sort of life instead...what would be different?

Sometimes I wish that was the case - in a way that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, if you know what I mean. I know I should be happy with who I am. Still...the curiosity of what life for me would have been like, and would be like now, is a burning one.

Would things be better? Worse? Equal out to be the same? What path would I have taken? Would I be in the same position I am in now? Would I end up being the same person?

According to the laws of karma and reincarnation, it's entirely possible that I was Indian and/or Hindu in a past life. But I'm talking about my present life. Would I, or the world, have been different, if my soul found an Indian body instead of my current one, for this life?

I know I must make do with the life and body I have now. But things like this are idle curiosities.