I know I said when I started this blog that I was under the impression that I didn't need anyone to approve of me. That I didn't need anyone to say I'm a good person or whatnot, because I was capable of doing such affirmations on my own. And therefore I didn't need anyone's approval to go on living.
Yet here I am, two and a half years after I wrote those initial blog posts, and I need affirmations now more than ever.
Maybe it's just the time of year - the holidays are very stressful for everyone involved. But somehow I seem to be mired deeper in my own tears than ever before. Perhaps I should just be patient and wait for this period to pass...shadows eventually give way to light, after all. Still, I know they'll creep up on me again just as quickly. And when they come again, I'll be just as debilitated as ever.
It's become more appallingly apparent than ever that I need help - that I need someone to save me from myself. I don't want to die...but I don't want to live like this either.
I'm in no imminent danger, but I need a light in this darkness. Someone needs to show me the way out. Guruji (H. H. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar)...Lord Ganesha...Maa Saraswati...anyone...I need a miracle now more than ever.