For A Moment

I've been invited to a host puja being held at the Hindu Temple of Rochester tomorrow. While this is obviously a good thing for me, it took me a while to realize just how...momentous this is.

I mean...it's like my struggles for societal acceptance and confirmation of my good nature have been rewarded. It's like I'm finally getting somewhere on fighting those internal demons that have always told me of how useless and/or evil I was...I can finally look those demons in the metaphorical eyes and tell them to shut up.

For most people attending this host puja I can imagine it's more mundane than that. But for me, this host puja is what I need to silence those inner demons...if only for a moment.

Still, for someone like me, that moment can be an eternity. An eternity in an hour...just like the poem by William Blake.

Don't Think, Just Let it Flow

(My apologies to the electronic music group The Chemical Brothers for stealing the title of their latest film, called Don't Think, for the title of this blog entry. However, it's an appropriate fit, as you will soon see.)

Sometimes I think about if I'm doing enough for the world - doing enough good to justify my existence. Yes, I know this is a question I've brought up many times before on this blog. And in some ways, I've already answered it, by saying in previous blog posts that the fact that I exist is enough justification. But that doesn't mean I should be complacent, not striving to do better. And sometimes I wonder exactly what doing better actually is. Is it self-maintenance? Is it seva to others? Giving myself to a cause greater than myself?

My role in the universe is often a concept that escapes me, simply because I have no clue what it is. But it took a performance that I saw today of a classical Indian dance group, the Bharata School of Arts (check them out at their official website here at www.bharataschoolofarts.com) to really expose to me a way to approach the problem of figuring out what my dharma, my role in the universe, really is, and how to gauge my performing of it.

In summary, the approach is this: don't think. Just let it flow.

Allow me to elaborate. Any performance of any kind requires practice of some sort. When you perform something the first few times, you have to think about how you are doing it. But the overall goal is to get to that point where you can do it without thinking. Sometimes I wondered what went through the minds of each of the performers of the dance tonight. Regardless of what any of them were thinking, it didn't get in the way of doing what they were meant to do: dance. They just let it flow.

Sometimes I wondered if my mind was in the right mindset to observe and appreciate such a great performance. I even wondered if I deserved to see it at some points. I tried to contribute in a way I knew how, by writing about it, but unfortunately the only place I could put my writing about the event this time around is in my blog. (I got a piece of mine about this group published elsewhere previously, but my efforts to do so this year weren't successful.) So I was thinking: did I really do enough to support this show to be able to enjoy it?

Did it stop me from attending the performance this year? No. I wanted to go, so I didn't let those other thoughts stop me. I just went, and the friends I saw there were happy to see me. I didn't think any harder about it. I just let it flow.

To this day I still haven't figured out what my role in this universe is. But as those dancers demonstrated to me, I shouldn't think about it, or at least don't let those thoughts get in the way.

Just let it flow...and it will come to you.

Here's to the flow of life, and it delivering purpose to those who've yet to discover it.

The Void Inside

I realized something important about myself just now - that I seem to have a constant feeling of emptiness. Unfortunately it's of a negative kind of emptiness. I know there is a positive kind, that positive kind being the sort that allows one to learn and experience the world around them (i.e. "my cup is empty"). However, my emptiness is more of a longing: a longing not to be alone. It's a longing for human contact, but not just any contact - it's a hunger for contact with new, different people.

I just realized this is sort of hard to explain in mere words. But I guess it sort of explains some of my posts here in Light Club, those asking for input from my readers. (Like my last post, for example.) I'll try to explain this void in the best way I can anyway.

One thing I can tell you is that it's a void that cannot be filled by the familiar - it has to be of new experiences or it doesn't seem to count at all. And this void also cannot be filled by just anyone, but someone who can give me a better idea of who I am. This sort of dovetails into a few more reasons Hinduism works better for me as a faith than Christianity: Hinduism is already accepting of the notion that God(s) can be whoever you want him/her/them to be, and Ganesha in particular appealed to me because of His exotic nature and appearance, one that seems to prove to me that others who are radically different from me can still accept me. (See the blog post "Why I'm Into Ganesha" for further explanation.) Furthermore, the mantra chanting of Hinduism seems to be very effective in giving me at least the feeling that I'm talking (well, chanting) to another being. As for why Christian prayer doesn't seem to give me that same feeling, it took me a while to figure that out, but the fact that Jesus is supposed to be a mediator between oneself and God can also mean Jesus can act as a barrier. I understand Jesus isn't a barrier for everyone, obviously this philosophy works for a great number of people. But if I have to choose between talking to a mediator for God, or talking to God directly - even if it's just an aspect or piece of God in the case of the deities of Hinduism - I'd choose the latter.

But I digress. Bottom line is, the void I'm talking about that exists inside me is loneliness. And for some reason it is a void that can only be filled by constant new input. I'm calling it a negative emptiness because it seems to make me never satisfied with the life I have. I know it's good to seek out new experiences, but at the same time I know I need to be happy with what I have already.

Is there some way to make these feelings not mutually exclusive? Is it possible to want more without really needing more to be happy?

How "Misery Bear" Reminded Me of the Nature of Happiness

Watch "The Teddynator" on YouTube

This might sound weird to some, but the above video really spoke to me on the nature of happiness. Yes, it's very comedic in nature, but it still makes some good points, I believe, on how to be happy. Before I go on, I will request those reading this post to watch the video first.

Watched it? Good. Now I will proceed.

Believe me, there have been some times when I wish happiness was as easy as hooking up a machine to one's person and enjoying happiness at the flip of a switch. That's probably what motivates some people, including myself, to take antidepressants. However, as I've discovered, happiness is never that easy. That's not to say antidepressants don't help some people - in my case, while they don't make me happy, I've found they keep my mood stable so I'm less likely to suffer abysmal emotional lows. But again, they don't make me happy, because happiness isn't that simple.

It could be inferred from the video that happiness, or at least the potential to be happy, comes from within. After all, Misery Bear was disappointed in the lack of results from the machine, until the new him literally showed up. To me, it's a metaphor that we all have happiness potential within ourselves. The thing is, it can be a struggle to bring out that happiness within us, as evidenced by Misery Bear's new self turning out to be a robot trying to kill him. Again, I regard that as a symbol that happiness can only emerge once we know ourselves. We all have internal demons to conquer, and happiness is the reward for overcoming them. I know I'd certainly feel better about myself if I successfully took down a robot version of myself trying to kill me!

Thankfully I don't have to fight a robot. To know what truly makes me happy, I have yoga. And I'm talking about the full spectrum of it, not just the asanas (though they help as exercise). This is the purpose of yoga, I believe: to help us overcome our deficiencies that prevent our happiness. I'm not saying yoga will work for everyone, but it's worked for me, so I thankfully don't have to literally fight an evil version of myself! The bottom line is we need some way of knowing ourselves so we know how to dig deep inside for that happiness, so we don't have to rely on external conditions for it.

Although if anyone does see a robotic version of me out there, try to be careful around it. ;-)

Bhagavad Gita Discussion: Chapter 3

I know I said I would read the Bhagavad Gita and discuss my interpretations...and I won't let you down! So here at last, after what must've been an insufferably long time, are my thoughts on Chapter 3, which is on the topic of karma.

I have to admit - this chapter was a difficult one for me to read. I wasn't upset by any of it, it was just so dense and full of meaning (sometimes appearing contradictory to me at first) that it's hard for me to make heads or tails of it. Nonetheless, I shall make an attempt.

To me, this chapter seems to elaborate upon two key concepts as they relate to performing actions and the karma associated with them: mindfulness, and detachment. One thing this chapter says right away that I can definitely agree with is that we need to perform actions, we need to do things; in other words, we are born into this life to live it. There is no use shuttering away oneself from life's experiences, because they're the only way one can learn. Which brings me to one point I've just thought of in this regard, and that is one reason why we suffer: in the event we inflict it on others (sadly, we can't avoid it completely, sometimes it happens quite by accident), our suffering of the same event gives us an idea of what we've done. For example, I saw on this one TV show the process some police officers go through to get certified to use a taser, and part of it involves getting shot with a taser, so the officer knows how it feels! The idea is that it will (hopefully) encourage police to only use tasers when the situation really requires it. So in the event we do something to someone else, and haven't experienced it ourselves, karma makes sure that happens to us in one way or another. I think that is also why this chapter talks about the senses and mastery over them, in other words mindfulness. The senses are there to teach us what experience and action feel like, so therefore they aren't the end-all-be-all of existence. The senses are important, but we control our actions, not the senses.

That brings me to the next aspect of this chapter: detachment. I understand the principle of detachment and its benefits, as it can lead to altruism and selflessness. But there is the other side of the coin, where detachment can be used for evil. For example, if you're completely detached from the results of action, then one could conceivably do very bad things - what would stop you from committing murder if you weren't attached to the result? Ditto with doing things in the name of God: for every Mother Teresa there's an Osama bin Laden. (And yes, I know all religions, including Christianity, have infamous figures who have committed crimes against humanity in the name of religion. Osama bin Laden was just the easiest one I could think of.)

So if one's not supposed to be attached to the results of action, how does one know what's good and what's evil? That, I believe, is why Krishna invoked following the example of gurus. Gurus are supposed to be models in this regard, as Krishna himself said that if he were to partake in evil action, society would follow suit and collapse, etc. But again this can be problematic - many people who proclaim themselves as a guru of some sort all have different ideas as to what's good and what's evil. How do you know which gurus are good and which ones just want to brainwash their followers to commit evil for them?

The answer to that question, I believe, lies in self knowledge. Krishna invoked that aspect of being as a way of telling us to ultimately follow what our own experiences tell us is good or evil. That knowledge of self is supposed to tell one who to follow in action - that to know who is a true guru for oneself, one has to know oneself first.

There was a lot to sift through in chapter three...it took some considerable effort to come up with those conclusions and then connect the dots, so to speak. However, I hope my interpretation at least makes sense - chime in the Comments section with what you think, as always.

Faltering, Failing, Falling Away?

I know I'm not perfect, but oftentimes it seems the world keeps demanding me to be such. All I can do is improve, but even so it seems I've reached my limit, a plateau.

I've done better with controlling my diabetes, but even so, I've faltered with diet on occasion. I've tried to be a better person socially, but I've seemed to have failed with that. Even with my meditation and prayers to Lord Ganesha, it seems as if my dedication is falling away. Am I doing better? Yes, better emotionally than I have in a long time. Still, it seems as if the improvements I've made to my life are too little, too late. That fact threatens to erode all I've worked for so far.

It is in a time like this, I wonder...what is it that I have to offer the world? Why has God not made me perfect, so I can better contribute to the world? What could the world possibly have to gain from my flawed being? I honestly do not know the answer to that question.

Is the world asking too much of me, or am I asking too much of the world? What is my role or place in it all? It seems in light of my repeated mistakes and failings of moral character and willpower the answers to all of my questions of existence grow ever more distant.

I wish and pray for some sort of sign, something that will tell me that even the way I am now is of some benefit to the universe. Problem is, I wouldn't know such a sign unless it was blatantly obvious and metaphorically slapped me in the face. Or perhaps my mind is too much like a sieve and I keep forgetting something I've discovered already, I don't know.

I keep questing, but I keep stumbling. I know I'm on the right path, but I don't think I have the stamina to walk it.

My thoughts keep bouncing to and fro. But my overall question remains: why am I imperfect in a world that seeks perfection from me?

Feeling My World Shake

Something gripped me today when I did my meditation and Ganesha mantra-chanting - fear.

As you can imagine, it's a bit of an unusual sensation to have when meditating, but it happened because as I was chanting the Ganesha mantra, near the end of 108 repetitions I suddenly heard this loud, deep "OM" outside my window. It seemed loud enough to shake the room!

I kept on chanting, even past 108 repetitions, as I seemed to become fearful and anxious after hearing the loud "OM." I was hoping the chanting would calm me down, and it did. But still, hearing this sound as I was chanting...I don't know what to make of it. What happened, exactly? Was this supposed to be something positive? A negative omen? Just some random sound I heard that I'm just mistaking for something supernatural? I have no idea...

Meditation is supposed to be a positive experience, this I know. I still have positive experiences with meditation every time. That's why this is so unusual. I know I've been doing good things lately, such as my writing about the local community, which I can post links if desired. So why do I feel fearful with this?

If anyone knows what this could mean, please tell me.