A Collapsing House of Cards

I have reasons to be happy. My fundamental job duties have changed into something I'm more suited for and enjoy doing. I'm able to get more writing opportunities now than I have before. My energy level seems to be improving somewhat due to a new medicine I'm taking. There are other things that aren't so happy in my life, and some things that are downright sad, but objectively, my life seems to have taken a turn for the better.

And yet I'm feeling depressed. Deeply, darkly depressed, almost at a crippling level.

As for reasons, I can't seem to pick out why. There are a few theories I have...the first being that I can't seem to take care of myself, even after things get better. Money still burns a hole in my pocket. Nutrition still seems to be an alien concept to me. So is cleanliness. But then again, these things could be a result of me being depressed...it's a chicken-and-egg question at best.

One other theory I have is maybe on some fundamental level, I don't feel like I deserve anything good happening to me. That if my life goes well, someone else's life has to suffer. I don't want that to happen, but it seems to be the law of karma. If I don't want anyone else to suffer...does that mean I have to suffer most of all?

Or maybe it's just that my values and my mindset don't deserve to exist. One of many examples of this is my apparent hypocrisies towards life. I hate conflict and violence, yet others insist my playing violent video games means I support violence and conflict. I hate consumerism but still spend like there's no tomorrow. I hate social injustice but lack the will and bravery to do anything about it.

On some fundamental level, I hate myself...and the more things get better, the more it seems apparent that I should hate myself. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Is being happy too much to ask of myself? Apparently yes.

Laziness Can Save the World

I found a fascinating article on left-leaning/progressive news source AlterNet today that I think is the ultimate feel-good article: apparently working less hours and having more leisure time can reduce global warming. If you read the article at the link, that will give you the best idea of how this works; I'm no climatologist, so I can't really give an effective summary. Also, the study isn't perfect; it doesn't take into account what people would do with more leisure time. What I can say, though, is that the message of the article makes sense.

So often in our present-day society, at least here in the USA, so much emphasis is placed on production and profit - how much can I produce? How much can I contribute materially? And most of all, how much profit will it make us all? It's the maxim here that a productive citizen is a good citizen, and those who don't contribute in the form of being employed are ridiculed, criticized, lambasted, etc. I'm not saying this is necessarily bad, but sometimes even those who are employed are subject to this treatment if even after they earn whatever is given them they still can't support themselves. Hard work is the only way to avoid condemnation, and even then that's no guarantee.

I could go into a pages-long rant about how the economic structure of the US is screwed up and only benefits the super-rich and makes wage slaves out of the rest of us, blah blah blah...but that's not the point of this post. The point is that this constant drive to produce, work, and measurably create profit is not only killing our mental health, in the form of work-related stress, mental breakdowns and anguish from job-related worries, and just plain burnout; it's also killing the planet. This constant drive for hard work requires resources and their consumption. If we all work hard constantly, sooner or later the resources required to sustain that hard work will be exhausted.

Yes, hard work can earn you more money, but money can't buy you time, the ultimate thing you need to rest and relax. It can only buy things requiring hard work and resources others use. And what good is that if you don't have the time to use them...or end up killing the environment in the process?

Now, I'm not advocating anyone quit their jobs here...keeping busy is one good way to keep the blues away, as I can attest to. And working for one's place in society is a good thing to practice, as it can teach selflessness as well as selfishness. Everyone needs to do some work to keep themselves, and others, alive. But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing in this case. We need to find a balance in our lives, and that balance is not only beneficial to our lives, but the lives of all living things.

Some might balk at the idea of having too much time on their hands. Here's a hint on what to do with more free time, though: meditate. ;-)

Attacking the Darkness

Namaste readers!

It seems the content of this blog has gotten slightly stale of late, at least to my eyes...I can't seem to come up with topics to write about that truly inspire me. It looks like my writing has reached some sort of peak, in the sense that it honestly appears as if I've gone as far as I can go...writing doesn't seem to get me much of anywhere these days, be it in terms of recognition or adoration, paying the bills, or even personal gratification.

I will keep writing, and I will keep this blog alive by whatever means necessary. It's just that...well, in summary, I'm a bit burned out. Writing seems to be more of a chore these days than anything. I don't seem to be gaining anything from it. In response, I've tried going into some other artistic pursuits - I've tried drawing, most recently, and I can't seem to draw well even with instruction from a book or teacher. I've juggled around the idea of playing a musical instrument, but it seems like that road would lead to frustration. I know these aren't things that are learned overnight. I know one has to practice to be good at them. But for some reason, I can't muster the patience...

Perhaps this is the reason why worshipping Goddess Saraswati comes across as such a good idea to me right now, as She is the Goddess of Creativity. I've said some prayers/mantras to Her. I just wish inspiration, perseverance, and other such artistic blessings would come a little sooner...

I have the urge to create. I feel it's in my blood. But the urge to create, and the ability to create well, are two separate things, I've discovered. If I can't even create well, then why do I still have the urge? I'm even beginning to wonder what the point of me creating is. It's like I'm trying to attack the darkness - darkness isn't something that can be killed with just a candle. But that's all I have against it.

Please help me, Goddess Saraswati and Lord Ganesha...

In Honor of Goddess Saraswati

During a recent meditation session, I had visions of the Goddess Saraswati. I'm not sure if they were strong visions at all, but they were to me, as She seemed to be on the forefront of my mind during this particular meditation session...and beyond. Even though these visions of Goddess Saraswati might be of little consequence or import, they've nonetheless stoked my curiosity about Her. What I've found makes me desire to worship Her more.

I know that all Gods and Goddesses in Hinduism are manifestations of the One, so She couldn't really be considered a separate Goddess from Lord Ganesha. If anything, in some regions of India, Goddess Saraswati is Lord Ganesha's sister! So it's not inconceivable that I would think of her during my mantra prayers to Lord Ganesha, which is when this happened. The one thing I've been told is that worshipping both Lord Ganesha and Goddess Saraswati is not only good practice, but common. This seems like something I might want to do.

For those who don't know, Goddess Saraswati is considered to be the Goddess of knowledge and the arts. She is often worshipped alongside Lord Ganesha to provide inspiration and remove mental obstacles to creativity. She is often depicted as having a swan as her mount. This was the first I saw of Her in my meditation - I saw the swan first, and when I figured out it was a swan, Goddess Saraswati took over my mind!

I offer this post to Goddess Saraswati and Lord Ganesha, to be my two guides through my blogging and my life.

Reading the Ramayana

Namaste readers! Recently I've begun a new undertaking in my Hindu practice - I have begun reading the Hindu epic known as the Ramayana. More specifically the Ramesh Menon translation, as that particular translation came highly recommended to me. Seeing as I don't know how to read the original Sanskrit the Ramayana was written in (I think, correct me if I'm wrong), this translation was as good as any for me.

So far I've reached chapter nine of book one of this translation. I have to say, I'm quite enthralled so far! Even from a purely literary standpoint the Ramayana is a revelation - its themes of good vs. evil and the ones chosen to fight this battle are timeless, of course, and have been written upon many, many times since then, but I never before have encountered a tale of this theme told so well and with this much...authority, for lack of a better term. Other similar tales seem pretentious in comparison.

Still, there are aspects of the Ramayana that make me feel a little...uncomfortable. However, maybe this uncomfortableness is a result of my own emotions and perceptions of reading this tale for the first time. I can't help but feel...envious, envious of the character Rama. I feel envy because Rama has so much adoration upon him for merely being born, and he is every bit deserving of such adoration because of his ability to literally save the world. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...how could I be envious of a God, of an incarnation of Lord Vishnu?

Let me explain. I think this envy comes from the powerlessness I feel in everyday life...powerlessness to change and defeat the evil that happens everyday in this world. I know no one human can change the world, but considering the everyday consumption I have to partake in, and how that consumption harms others... The point I'm getting at is that if I'm supposed to be of benefit to this world, why wasn't I born in a a place and time and with a temperament that's more suited to do so?

In summary, I want to believe that I'm of benefit to the world around me somehow, but then I look at the example of Rama...and I see an impossibly high standard. A bar so high I'd have to fly a plane to clear it.

Maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to feel when reading the Ramayana, but...my mind works in mysterious ways when it comes to this sort of thing. I know the laws of karma and dharma are unfathomable, but...it just seems unfair to have the responsibility of helping the world and not having the power to effectively do it!

The Devil's in the Details

I'm kind of going out on a limb here with my next post. The reason I say that is because I'm going to be talking about a video game in this post, more specifically the recently released fifth game in the Devil May Cry series (called simply DmC: Devil May Cry). While I'm not connecting it with Hinduism here (that's sort of impossible with a title such as Devil May Cry), I am going to make some commentary on it here which I hope provokes discussion along the lines of the theme of this blog. I certainly believe the new Devil May Cry game has moral lessons which should be embraced by all, even though it's most certainly violent in every way a video game can be; it's certainly not a title the kids can play, but I think adults who like video games will find much to enjoy and contemplate.

A little background first - the fifth Devil May Cry has been loathed and despised by many fans of the series, mainly for reasons I don't comprehend. These are the sorts of fans who want "change" and "innovation" in video games, yet they balk at the changes to Devil May Cry. This isn't a moral weakness unique to gamers, though...change to anything that's been long established is bound to be met with a negative reception. This goes into the first moral lesson I believe the new Devil May Cry can teach its adult players - one should give change a chance. Reacting to any change in a negative way, to put it simply, isn't worth it. Change is inevitable in life; it's better to learn to adapt than to curse this fundamental nature of the universe. "If you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change, the devil changes you" (I can't remember who said that quote, but with DmC it certainly applies). Especially with video games, cursing change just isn't worth your time.

The main character of DmC, Dante, at first is aloof and uncaring about the world he inhabits and the people that populate it. He regularly fights demons, but only when he starts caring about humanity and wants to defend them does he gain power. This is another moral lesson I feel the game can teach its players - caring about your fellow human beings can uplift you. I haven't gotten a chance to play the whole game yet (I only just got it today), but it feels to me that Dante will change from being a cynical, jaded jerk to a true fighter for justice - albeit one with a foul mouth. (Yeah, the level of profanity is high in this game.)

Thirdly, the game has a highly moral political bent to begin with - the organizations that the demons control in this game are financial institutions, governments, and right-wing news broadcasters. Since Dante hunts demons, he's branded as a terrorist by these demon-controlled organizations. This certainly highlights the political direction America is going in - disagreement is becoming heated, and differences in opinion are being treated with increased disrespect. One shouldn't be branded a "terrorist" simply because he or she disagrees with the prevailing national attitude!

Granted, these observations may be a bit of a stretch, but I'm not trying to make DmC sound like a moral authority. Rather, I'm pointing out that these are universal moral themes that can be expressed in any medium, even in a video game as violent as DmC. As I play more of this game I will report back and see if it holds up under my moral scrutiny, but for now, suffice it to say that this is a mature game - not just because of its violent content, but the themes it tries to explore. I recommend this to any adult video game player who wants a cerebral tale of morality.

Heavy Metal and Hardcore Music is a Universal Language

Watch "Snapcase - Caboose" on YouTube

The above link goes to a YouTube posting to a favorite song of mine from way back in the 1990's. (I can't believe the '90s now count as "way back" - by Ganesha I feel old...) It's also my current jam on "This is My Jam." The lyrics are in the video description, and I suggest you read them, and not just because it's hard to understand the hardcore punk/metal screaming in the song. ;-)

Some people have wondered why I listen to heavy metal and hardcore music, given my leaning towards Hinduism culture and beliefs, including the Indian classical music which obviously sounds completely different! These people haven't suggested I stop listening to my heavy metal/hardcore music, no way, but they are curious how I can like two completely different styles. Well, I believe the above song demonstrates why. Sure, lyrics can go to any song in any genre, but when you put them to the sounds of hardcore and metal...they inspire one to get up and do something! And while there are a few metal/hardcore songs with objectionable lyrics, when you put inspirational lyrics to this same genre of music, it suddenly gets powerful.

This goes into another reason I love metal and hardcore - these songs can inspire anyone regardless of race, nationality, creed, or social status. The raw, earth-shaking sounds of this music can rile up anyone to move, to simply convert themselves into kinetic energy. It's for this reason that metal and hardcore have found footing in almost every corner of the globe. I know fans of these genres from literally halfway across the world (such as Indonesia). I know a documentary on the popularity of heavy metal in Baghdad, Iraq exists somewhere...I haven't watched it yet, but I want to. Regardless, when you see people of all skin colors thrashing about in unison to the performance of a metal or hardcore band...it's nothing short of beautiful.

Sometimes I consider such music to be an expression of bhakti yoga...perhaps not to a specific Hindu God, but to life itself.